UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

I am really sorry about not updating this blog for a while. Ugh~ The nights have been difficult, as in I get tired fairly easy and/or I procrastinate and get distracted by other things (Like Tumblr, and vines, and YouTube videos...). I even figured that doing a video blog could be easier than this, but then I thought the editing could take time. So we'll just see...

Anway this week has been kinda hectic at home, and college has been very repetitive.

In 3D Animation we've completed our house and have begun working on a village, thought it's not like a real game map that you can explore, it's an illusion of a village. The building are 3D, but the little details, like trees and people are 2D, and the background filler is just a back drop.

In Philosophy, we seem to be going over the same thing everyday, but we move like one baby step forward. In Math, it's just going over Algebra. You can say I have trouble with it, given that I can't help others with it, but it's just because I have problems remembering it. This is just a memory session that, as soon as I figure it out, I can do it fine. I'm not complaining, I'm just laying down my everyday schedule. Things at home kind of have been heating up, but I think it's just because my sister and her kids have been coming over to our house everyday now. They used to call everyday, but they hardly ever showed up. We wouldn't mind it too much if her kids knew how to just calm down and behave, but they don't, and another terrible thing is that my sister is like an ant. She complains about everyone and everything, and if she doesn't make you feel bad enough, she starts criticizing us, to the point where we're basically shoving her out the door. We believe as soon as she gets a job (or maybe even a husband) she'll leave us alone (or maybe just cool down a bit).

Yesterday was very interesting.

It started out as a normal day, my mom took me to class. I sat there and listened to our Philosophy teacher lecture, at break I drew a picture of what I thought honey buns always looked like (A bun glazed with honey, not what they actually look like), and then went to math, took notes, got our test back and began waiting for Mama. That's when all Hell broke loose. I tried calling her and she wouldn't answer. This didn't bother me at first, but after the 5th or 6th time calling, I was starting to get annoyed. During the day, I don't mind hanging around the school, but at night, I just want to go home. So I figured I'd call her spare phone. No answer. My father? No answer. My sister? No answer. Any sane person would have just been really annoyed at this point, gave up, and just went to like the library to start waiting. But no. I am apparently not sane. I started panicking. Because nobody answered, my thoughts began racing, and the first thing that popped into my head was that they had all died. I broke out into a frenzy. I started blowing up there phone, and the more and more they wouldn't answer, the more I began to panic. Because I am the type of person that over thinks everything, and can't stop, I started fearing the worse. What if something truly terrible did happen to them? My phone was going to die, if it did, how would I call anybody then? If they called back, how would they react to me not answering? If I got a ride? If I took a bus? If they didn't answer, how would I know what I was doing? If they didn't answer, how would I know they'd be ok? I literally started having a panic attack? Breathing erratically, pacing, crying; oh, yes. Let the mental breakdown begin. Let everyone in the entire school see that I am mentally unstable, mentally incapable to handle anything. That I'm some kind of special needs child.

I was praying for them to answer. Finally, they did. My mother called and said my dad was supposed to be there. He texted, "On my way", my sister even texted "Is everything ok?" My heart shattered. What a cruel hand fate played me yesterday. I walked outside and waited for my dad. It started raining, but I didn't care. It felt fitting. I didn't know what to feel. Angry? Relieved? I felt dead.
Finally my dad rolled up. I couldn't hid the dead. He asked me how long I was waiting. I had been calling for "AN HOUR". The bubble that had weld inside me escaped. I finally escaped the horror realm I was in, but stepped into another as soon as I told off my father. My father has no sympathy for my anxieties. I try to tell him about them and he either brushes them off or mocks them. So what excuse did I have for snapping? None to him. I got lectured all the way home. I just wanted to run. Get in my car and drive myself away. In fact that's what I would've, straight to Johnna's house, if it hadn't been raining. That was the only thing that stopped me. I got home, and didn't know what to do. Stand? Sit? Lay down? Get on my lap top? I felt nothing, and wanted nothing to do. I wanted someone to vent to, but then I realized I had no one. I'd just be a burden to everyone I talk to. Psychiatrist? All they do is prescribe medication, and that thought, makes me think I can't function as a normal human being without it. I'm a failure as a human.
That's the thought that ran through my head until my mother got home, "I'd give anything to be normal again." My father called me to eat, but I didn't eat. I realized what it was like to be depressed. I could lay down, but it didn't feel right. I wasn't eating, I was just shoveling food into my mouth. I was crying, my body was undulating uncontrollably. My father went on to start talking about making a plan to pick me up. That wasn't the problem. I had absolutely no problem waiting. I just wanted them to answer the phone. He pushed on. Again, I have absolutely, no problem waiting. I just wanted one of them to answer the phone. He pushed on. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF EVERYONE WAS OK. But my father can't get that problem through his think skull. I wanted to scream at him that my problem wasn't at all what happened. It was his insensitivity to my problems. I just wanted someone to hold me, to tell me it was ok, that they were fine. I just wanted a normal human voice to pick up the phone. But instead I got my dad screaming at home our family sucks because no one answers the phone. Finally my mother got home, and I was able to express to him that I had anxieties and I need to be comforted and not be scolded. I needed more than some one who would tell me I should just get over it because everything is and will always be fine. It wasn't a matter of my parents saying that they would limp through Hell to get to me, but that I would crawl through Hell to make sure they were safe. I'd give my entire life to ensure they were safe and happy.
It took some time, but he sort of started understanding. It wasn't till all was calmed that I explained to him the three kinds of people. And when the third person was given questions like "Who am I?" "What am I?" and "What is God?" they come up with even more questions, and sometimes these questions had nightmarish answers. My parents still don't understand my method of thinking, I don't think they ever will, but I can't blame them. All had been resolved, and I got my happy back.
It started raining last night, and continued on until morning. When I woke up, it was only sprinkling. It continued to all day, but this is the kind of weather New Mexicans crave. Days like today are days I like to call "Stand-still Days" because for the entire day, it's like time freezes. From 8 in the morning to 8 at night, the clouds stay the same. It was also my sister's birthday today. I made a bunch of cupcakes and decorated one for her while my mother went and got Menudo. I made the cupcake look like a little witch, because I call my sister "Elphaba" from the play Wicked. (Funny story about that: When I was little and didn't like her very much, I called her a bad word, which later translated to "witch" as a joke, then I learned about Wicked, and called her Elphaba because I heard that was the name of the Wicked Witch of the West. It didn't change even after I got to see the play. Sometimes I call her "Elsa" because the lady who played Elsa in Frozen, also played Elphaba at one point.) She later came with her son, Josh, and he and my brother started playing with each other. I went outside to the front yard and started splashing around in the giant puddle that forms there. I started walking around the neighborhood and wondered if my brother and nephew would like to come. It took a little bit, but they finally agreed. We walked around until we reached this waterfall-like thing that's just like a little irrigation thing. We even played pretend for a little bit. They were kings and I was some type of water spirit guiding them along. We even walked to this desert area where hadn't been to in a long time because we've gotten lazy. It was cool to wade through the water and just walk the trail to this back alley, that was actually a very beautiful spring-looking-thing, though kind of man-made and littered with bits of trash. We walked back and had to get ready because my sister wanted to go eat at Golden Corral at her birthday. My mother kind of flipped out because we didn't make it before 4 so we had to pay a little extra, but the food was still good. I sat with the kids (my brother, and two nephews) and had a jolly good time. We laughed a lot and started acting a bit rowdy, but we couldn't help it. We're kids. (Well, they are; I'm a child at heart though). We even convinced our parents to let us run around the Mall. While they were at Sears, we went to Barnes and Noble to look at books for a bit, then we started playing with the animal puppets and LEGOs until my brother built a house for my turtle puppet and them my nephew Dominic wrecked it with his T-Rex puppet. We hightailed it out of there before they could kick us out. Then we went to Hot Topic and GameStop just to look around. Then we had to run to the back of the Mall for a bathroom emergency, and ending up watching Gravity Falls in some shoe department store. It is a really good show, in fact one of the only shows I still watch on Disney Channel besides Kick Buttowski, Pac-Man, and Doraemon (All the other shows suck~). Then their mom called and we had to walk (me waddle because my thighs were burning), so she could take them and just leave. I felt a little sad. We were having fun. I tried to call my mom, but no answer. I started worrying they would think the same accident that happened yesterday would happen again, but it didn't because my dad answered when I called him. We split up (my brother went with my dad in his car, and me with my mom), and me and my mom drove around a bit. She started saying that I was probably feeling bad, because I am super smart (that's how she describes my thinking problem), and that all I really should need is to find a career that would help me express my thinking. I somewhat think she's right. While we were driving, a girl on the Delilah Show explained that she was so in love with her husband, and that's when my mother told me, like that lady, all I should do is pray and believe with all my heart that the right man will come along. I half joked that I couldn't wish any harder, but she told me to just wait. In a way I think she's right. But surely my heart cries out hard enough. I literally don't think I could wish any harder, but I do need to be patient, and I do need to have faith.
I live my life surrounded by question marks, and no one seems to be able to get rid of them. However, I think that if I were to finally meet my soul mate, he could possibly be the period I so desperately need. He can change me for the better, and I can finally be saved from myself, or maybe I need to save him. Either way, I know he'll change me in one way or another, and he'll make me a better and stronger person.
On a bonus note: I've been signing up for a lot of scholarships and such lately. One of the biggest ones I've signed up for is called the Dr. Pepper Scholarship, in which all you have to do is state a goal and people on Facebook like it. If you get 50 likes, you get to send a video in to apply for the scholarship. I figured if I could get all my watchers on my dA to vote for me, I could get a good number of likes. Maybe even enough to make a video, and I could ask my sister since she's got a lot of friend on Facebook so they can help too. On a different note, I also signed up for another YWIC thing that is going to be coming up, but I don't know how I'll be applied (A mentor or student).
That's all for tonight. I think it still might be raining, but I don't know. We'll see in the morning. Goodnight.
(9/18/14)

Distraction News~!!

Sorry for not writing yesterday, I was distracting myself last night and lost the time to write...

Yesterday, my mother took me to Church's Chicken. We discovered that if you go to eat as soon as it opens, you get the freshest chicken ever! (It's seems obvious but, lol, we were dummies) After that we went to a building by the old Pizza Hut where we tried to sign up for psychiatrist services, but they said me and my mother were to old to go there so they recommended us to other counselors on the other side of town. I wonder if they happen to be talking about our old counselors... I hope not. We left them for a reason~

After that, we rushed to school. In 3D Animation we finished building our house. I wasn't happy being there at first. I felt sick, tired, and I was behind on what the teacher said, but as soon as I was caught up, I had a blast. He let us finish building on our own, based on what we had learned from previous classes, and I felt very proud of my house, and I got very excited seeing the whole process come together. The teacher even complimented me on adding a window to the side wall under the roof. I got really flushed, saved as fast as I could, and hightailed it out of there. Class was supposedly over- I hope o.o other wise I freak out over nothing.

I got home and rested for a little bit. I actually fell asleep a good thirty minutes after my dad got home. I felt bad, but I couldn't help it. I stayed up thinking something bad was going to happen to us on 9/11. But it's good that we're safe.

Today was a very interesting day off. This morning me, my mother, my sister, and nephew went to Vinton, (Texas, I think) to eat some of the best burritos I've ever tasted, at a place called "Alice's Burritos" then we went to the Sunland Mall in El Paso. Me and my nephew just walked around and looked through the different stores, we didn't last too long since we were feeling a little sick. Once my sister and mother were done looking around, my mother bought pretzels from Pretzel Time, but they are nowhere near as good as the Pretzels, here from Annie's. We then went to a store called "Entertainmart" where you can buy almost any DVD from any time, almost every game on every system, all kinds off CDs, and all kinds of different packages of almost every TV show series ever. We didn't see anything we really wanted at the time, so we just came home.
After my father came home, we all took a bit of a nap, except my mother who went to go get dinner. When we woke up, I went for a walk around my neighborhood. Usually my father joins me, but lately his knee has been hurting, so he couldn't come. It was fine though; when I go for walks alone, I get time to think. I always think about stuff, but on walks usually more so~

When I got home my mother had brought Chick-fil-a. I loved that place~

After a little bit, my mother and father started arguing about taking the trash to the dump. It was so pointless, after awhile they agreed that I'd go with my mom to take the trash. While we were preparing to leave, I dropped a hint at wanted to get a job at the Branigan Library (I hope I spelled it right). I loved it there, and I actually have been hoping to work/visit there to study up on the job of a librarian for a blog of mine, and it just seems like a fun and simple job to have. My father said that they actually had an opening for an assistant at the library, and the guy that owns the library is our neighbor! :D I might actually have a good chance at this job!

Anyways, after we threw the trash, me and my mother filled my car up with gas, and drove around town. If I get that job at the library, I'm going to have to get my driver's license soon~ And it's not that I don't have a license, it's just not an official license, it's just a driver's permit. I was late to the driving test thing, now I'm going to have to make up for it~

• Last night, I was frightened. By what, I'll explain later. To make myself feel better, and by hope of a theory of mine, I watched wedding proposal videos. How pathetic right? And yes, I did cry (but my theory was it would help flush out my eyes so'd they'd stop burning, but that's still doesn't make up for crying). A lot of people say that watching proposal video's raises your expectations, but really the only thing I'd expect from my boyfriend is just to propose from his heart. To me, it's not how they propose, it's what they say when they propose. Anyway, last night, after watching those videos gave me this tinge of faith, and I felt like his heart was calling to me. I wonder if it's even possible for two people to feel each other that way. I know it sounds crazy and desperate or whatever, but I can't shake what I feel.

Oh! I forgot to mention, I saw my old friend Cheyanna on Thursday! It was so nice to see her again! She has a lot of classes similar to mine, I hope to see her again :) Oh! And she told me that my 3D Animation teacher, Ian, isn't from Canada :D He's from Austin! So, I still have a chance with the Canadian~!!

Worry

Last night, I accidentally fell asleep on the floor. This morning at, like, 6:17, my dad walked into my room and woke me up, however I was in a state where I could still pretend I was asleep. He saw me on the floor, shined the flashlight in my face, and looked behind my dresser for his checks (because he have to hide them from my shopaholic mother), and then he left. Just left. He left me on the floor! I got up and moved myself, but I was still shocked that he left me! He didn't even try to wake me up! I had carpet imprints on my stomach! I feel back asleeping and didn't wake up till about 10. My mother asked me if I wanted go with her to run a few errands, and maybe get something to eat, but I wasn't in the mood. I told her I would stay home and clean the kitchen for her instead. While I was waiting for her I watched Matthew Santoro's "Top 10 Most Haunted Places in the World". Whilst learning about said horrors, I could've sworn I heard someone turn on water in the kitchen. Immediately I got scared, nobody was home but me! I checked everything, even the washing machine that sometimes makes faucet noises when its washing clothes, but it was off, and open, and there was nothing inside. I really hope I wasn't having a ghostly experience... Perhaps it was the ice dispenser or the something outside. Then my mother showed up.

Today in Philosophy today, we talked a little bit more of what was real outside of our minds. D'Carte's studies I believe was what it's called. Although the only thing he could conclude was that "I think, therefore I am" he also proved that math and emotions are real. Everything else though (people, colors, things, places, words) we can't know with certainty are real. Not that they aren't! Those are just his studies.

For Lunch I had Hot Cheetos, but I got to talk to Kaylenna. I showed her all the oddities of the deep ocean. Nightmare fuel like Gulper eels, goblin sharks, giant isopods, bobbit worms; all perfect for everlasting nightmares! Then I showed her some cute fish, like the dumbo squid~ They are adorable! I mostly talked to her about how fish are just weird.

For the remainder of lunch, I figured I try to draw something, inspired by music, but as I sat down in the library. I had this lack of motivation. I feel more tired that I usally do~ Maybe because I slept on the floor? I went to bed earlier last night... I don't know. I just didn't feel like drawing~ Typing however, I looked forward to that.

In Algebra Skills, we went over Inequalities and Translations. I was really happy in Math, because when I get it, Math is funnest thing in the world, and the teacher becomes my best friend. I begin finding it easy and although I struggle a little, once I see the answer, I can solve things myself. I got lots of praise today, even some extra credit for writing an answer up on the door.

After school me and my mother went to Hobby Lobby and I got really excited for Halloween and Christmas. I really look forward to them :) They are my favorite holidays, right above Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving.

When we got home, things took a little bit of a depressing turn. My mother gets upset really easily and starts arguing with my dad. I don't care about what they argue about, I just wish they would stop. Then on the news they were talking about how America is putting up extra security everywhere in prep for 9/11 tomorrow. They've never done it before, and I have no doubt that we'll be safe. If Islam or whatever even tries to pick a fight with us, or Russia, they're asking for it. I just worry that if for some slim chance, or some fatal mistake, we could still be in danger. My parents tell me that they're going to need me in the morning, but since they've got me panicked, I'm going to have a little bit of a hard time going to bed. I always do this. I think something terrible is going to happen to all of us, and when I finally find relief from it, something else comes up that scares the hell out of me. To the point where it's bothersome to sleep. If only my parents could see how hard it is to just lie there in bed and let my thoughts attack me. That's why I stay up on the computer, to distract myself, to hold onto the cloud that got me out of my rut. But they can't see that. They'll never see that...

• Cute boys, cute boys everywhere but where is one for me? ;^; It makes me sad sometimes~ I see all these cute guys, and think they'd never look at me like a woman, just a girl. A little baby girl not worthy of a girlfriend. That's how I was seen in High School. why should now be any different? But I still have hope, the slightest bit of hope ;w; that one day I'll met the perfect man, to stand by me and love me. I'll just have to be patient and wait.

Finally Free

Today was a simple day, I got up and my mother was gone. I forced myself to get and saw that she texted me to clean the kitchen. I did as much as I could and got dressed as quickly as I could since it was 10:15 and I knew we should have left the house at 10:30 - 10:45 if we wanted to get to Buffalo Wild Wings before it opened at 11:00. She got to the house at 10:50 and told me to pack up a few things so we could take them to my grandmother. At this case, I figured we weren't going to go eat, especially at this rate, but she shocked me, as she rushed us through the door, to Grandma's and out rather quickly. Turns out she still wanted to eat wings. We zoomed into town and arrived at Buffalo Wild Wings at 11:10. I figured we were going to run a little late to my 12 o'clock class, but I wasn't too worried because I knew the teacher wouldn't mind all that much. We actually found out you can ask for a "Rush Order" in which they get it to you quickly, but we still were running late.

Although it seemed like it, we actually made it right on the dot. Today we worked more on our 3D house. It's actually not supposed to be a backdrop, it is supposed to be a symmetrical 3 dimensional house. We still aren't done, but we are finishing it up. After class, I actually didn't get a headache! But I guess that's because my mother told me should would be running a little late, and then I went to the library to kill time. You'd be surprised about the information you'd find in a library~ (I know, I know! That's the whole point of a library...)

After a while, she picked me up and then she brought us strait home. I was really tired from walking. Later, I got a text message from my good ol' friend Johnna. She said "Guess what?" After hearing Kayleena talk about how the cast list for Theater's newest play was going to come out soon, I assumed the best. I thought "You got the part you wanted?! :D" Sadly she didn't. She told me she got a small part and that she feel like giving up. That was the last straw. I had been waiting to give Johnna a lecture on that class, but I thought I would be able to drive back to Mayfield and talk to her at lunch. Then she gave me the idea to call her. (Facepalm.) It was good to hear from her after all this time. Texting is nice, but you never know how to interpret text. You always think the person is being serious when they could be joking around or being sarcastic. But this was finally her real voice and emotion.

I told her something I learned a while back before I graduated. Something I wish I could share with the entire Theater of Mayfield:

Ms, Munoz is a terrible person. That's right. That's what I said. All the time I spent worshiping her and trying to please her and look good in her eyes was a waste of life. I thought she would turn me into something great, she would help me see the real me, but in reality she had me held down with a ball and chain. And I know you can say, "You're one to talk! You were absent all the time! Of course she wouldn't treat you with any respect!" It was never just me she treated like dirt. It was all of us. I should have known from the beginning. When I auditioned for a competition in Farmington, New Mexico, everybody thought I was great, but she cut me to put in the "better" students. I competed as a Friendly Entry, and I scored so high on the judges' sheets that had I been in the actual competition, I would have one 1st place, hands down, and I would have earned an extra award for earning the highest score in every individual event! I thought she chose Mark and Cheese (the other two competing in the same field) because they were better. Mark failed, and had to exit the entry, Cheese only got 3rd place. Then I thought Munoz did it because Mark was a senior and this would be his last year. I was wrong, she did it because she had favorites. Next year was the same. Me and Johnna both had songs ready for competition, but Ms. Munoz told us to change them because they didn't have "characterization", so she made me and Johnna change them. I found the perfect piece for me, Shy from Once Upon a Mattress, but Johnna had no luck. She ran out of time so badly that when she presented her piece, she didn't match the music, she had no movement and she couldn't catch the melody. She was out. I was able to overcome this only because I can choreograph songs really easily (not to brag, I'm not perfect, but I do pretty good.) But again, Munoz chose favorites. Haily was beautiful, yes, she was talented yes, but as she preformed, I realized her song had no characterization either, but Munoz didn't tell her a thing!

Then we get to our class competition piece; a play called "Nora's Lost" it was a good play, but for most of the rehearsal, I had been sick. So sick, I had to go to the hospital one night. They gave my parts to other students, but it was understandable, I needed to be there but I couldn't. They were afraid if I missed too much, I wouldn't be able to catch back up. Understandable, right? But that leads to my next point. I have never had problems with being an ensemble character. Never. But sometimes I felt needed. Especially in Nora's Lost, when my part was so small, even if they cut me, it wouldn't make a difference. I felt small. But in Beauty and the Beast, it was so different. Can you imagine my surprise, after feeling like being ensemble was insignificant, being told I was going to be casted as an ensemble character?! I cried, but I really wanted to do the play. After a few rehearsals, I had a change of heart. Dancing and singing in the background didn't seem so bad, especially when everyday our director, Dave, would come in and tell us how special every piece was, how we all depended on each other, and needed to support each other if we wanted this production to be good. We made a family, and I was the happiest Napkin alive. Munoz never made the ensemble feel special. Never.

Then came Thespian. Another acting competition. I was so sure about Shy, surely I would do good with it. Everyone loved it, and they made me feel like I was wonderful, but all Munoz had to do was snap her fingers, and her zombies were right at her command telling me I was "Ok." I worked so hard to claw myself up to the top, only to be knocked back down by her. I was so convinced that if I didn't make it, I was worthless, to her and everyone else. But it wasn't true. I was ok. I was better than ok! I was wonderful! I could be wonderful! I AM Wonderful! But I was a dummy to ever think Munoz would see that.

Then came the Theater Class Awards Ceremony. Us Seniors arrived there a good 30 hour to prepare for the thing, but we couldn't start until Munoz got there, because she had the keys to the building. Suddenly other people started showing up. She was late! Courtney tried to defend her by saying she lived far, so it would take her a while. It was then when these certain words popped into my head. Words so familiar, I could have spat them in Ms. Munoz's face. Before Thespian we went to go eat at Ihop, before the buses got there, and we were accidentally running a little late. When we finally got to school, just a little late, Ms. Munoz scolded us! Told us we would be the examples of irresponsible students. We told her that Steven's car was giving him trouble, and she told us, "Then you should have left earlier."

YOU. SHOULD. HAVE. LEFT. EARLIER.

Those words became venom in my mouth (to this day they still are). I would've screamed it at Ms. Munoz if I hadn't still held her on a pedestal at the time. She delayed our planned party, and she ruined it for everyone! It became unorganized, and rushed! And to top off the evening, Courtney, bless her heart, had gone through a whole lot of trouble to make a reward just for Ms. Munoz. We presented it to her, she accepted it, then she went to the door and screamed, "Now all of you GO HOME!!" After all of the love we received from the underclassmen, and looking up to Ms. Munoz as a mother figure; you could've pinpointed the exact second our hearts torn in half. We went through all this trouble just for her! Just to have her kick us out. Some of us dismissed it as it just being late, and we shouldn't linger and longer than we should, but that wasn't the case at all! You literally could have seen the hurt on Courtney's face!

Finally the straw that broke the camel's back.

About 2 weeks before graduation, Seniors are required to return to school to obtain a piece of paper that requires the student to go to his or her past classes of the semester to get their teachers to sign them off. All of my other teachers signed the paper without a problem. They were worried about my absences, but they knew it was none of their business to hold me back for them. I just needed one final signature before I was all clear to graduate. Ms. Munoz's. I caught her in the hall, as she said hi to me. I asked her if she could sign, and that's when she told me in order for her to sign, I needed to give her any money, if I had any, left from Alice (in Wonderland. Our final play) or any receipts I had. I admitted to her, I didn't have anything, in truth, I had lost the receipts I had. She smiled and walked away, basically saying "Oh, well~" I panicked. I didn't know what to do, I had nothing, and we wouldn't be able to come back. I went to my mother and we decided we could talk to Munoz and work something out. Ms. Munoz was really friendly with my mother, so I figured we'd be fine. But when we get to the Theater, Ms. Munoz hid in the corner of them room, surrounded by her students, and said nothing to us. I spoke to the others a little while, but she just sat there. Any normal, responsible, respectable person would've acknowledged my mother and asked if they could help. Took her off to the side to privately conversate and compromise. BUT NO. She just SAT there and did NOTHING. Me and my mother, left, I defeated, my mother, furious. She marched straight to the office, and demanded to speak with a principle. I worried. I didn't want to get into a fight with Munoz, the office and my mother just because I had been irresponsible. But it all worked out. The Principle understood. He went to ask Munoz what could be done, and signed off for her. I was saved just like that.

It wasn't until I graduated that I realized. "Oh, my God.... That woman was trying to take me down... She attempted to put my hopes and dreams of graduating on a shelf so high up I'd never reach it. Every single time I clawed my way up to the top, she'd knock me down. And when I asked for help, she stopped everyone and let me do it myself. She would never see me as anything worth while, because she had favorites! She put everyone under her spell to protect and follow her favorites and push down anyone who wasn't. And yet, she treats her favorites like garbage! She only chose her favorites to make herself look good! She took on everything in Beauty and the Beast (costumes, set design, light, sound, actors, tech, props) because her ego wanted to prove she was the best, and then forced all the work on us! Even the people who should have had nothing to do with Beauty and the Beast! HOW ON EARTH DID I EVER FIND MYSELF HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO THIS WOMAN?!!"

It was today I realized that there was a difference between Dave and Ms. Munoz. Ms. Munoz only wants to make her theater look good, and herself look good. You know why? Because she knows High School isn't important and she tries to make herself important! Only herself!

Dave was so generous and kind, and appreciated everything we did for him, when we made him an award he hugged all of us, even after the curtain went down. I never felt more appreciated... loved... special. And yeah, you can say, "Dave didn't do anything! Everyone else did! Look at how many people missed rehearsal, and were obnoxious and irresponsible! Did you see how only a few people showed up to do the set when we needed everyone?!" Did you not see how very little power he had over people? How very little he had control over everything? It was up to us to be responsible, so in reality, we caused our own pain. And when Dave was a teacher. he was very stern, very strict, he'd try to hide laughter, and go right back to being serious. But he cared about his students, He gave everyone a chance. He even would try to break his kids out of the bond of high school and prepare them for real life. He was willing to help my dad get an audition part for Starwars! Too bad my dad turned it down. But Ms. Munoz never did anything like that for the rest of us! The only time she helped some one with something like that was her favorite, Joel, whom she helped get a scholarship for Colorado! But what about us other Seniors who needed similar things?! She didn't tell me about anything like that, she didn't help me!

So it's nice to get it off my chest. I'd still like to scream all of this to Ms. Munoz if I could get the change though... And tell all of the other Theater kids that they shouldn't feel worthless, because they aren't. They are the most talented, most interested, most special bunch of kids I've ever met. But Munoz will never see that. And even if she does, she won't care.

• Johnna told me, I should try online dating, and I've been thinking "Maybe I should" but I'm going to make myself sound like the geekiest, nerdiest think on the face of this planet. "I have 7 OTPs and love to watch Disney movies on weekends until I cry!" You know, stuff like that.

9/8/2014 (Part 2)

Today was a good day, I enjoyed the time I spent at home waiting for my mother. I got on my computer and played around until my sister showed up with Chick-fil-a. Goodness, I love that place so much~ Then when my mother showed up, she got ready really fast and we rushed to grandma's house so my mom could give her something, and then rushed to school before we could be late. It was as we were arriving right at 2 o'clock that I realized my Philosophy class doesn't start at 2 it starts at 2:15, (possibly 2:30) so we weren't late after all.

Today in Physiology, we talked about whether or not we know is something is really true. Everything that has ever been taught to you could be a lie. 2+2 could = 5, blue could actually be red, I mean this seems possible because guys see red differently from girls so how do we know that all of us see red differently? Red to me, could be blue to you. We basically said we couldn't trust anything anyone taught us, nor believe anything we can perceive? What does that leave? The fact that you cannot deny your own existence. You are thinking right now, therefor, you are. Nobody else might be, but at least you are. Or to put it the way our instructor said: "I am."

Then we talked about an idea of a perfect being.

God (who we all deem perfect, at least if you're religious) is perfect, yes? He is all knowing, all powerful, and all good. Perfect! Or IS HE!?

Can God create a rock that even he, himself, cannot lift? If yes, he is not all powerful. If not, he is still not all powerful.

If God is good, then why is there bad?

Does he know about the evil? If not, he is imperfect.

Can he know stop the evil? If not, he is imperfect.

Does he not care about the evil? If not, then he is imperfect.

However I saw it differently. He does know, he can stop it, and he does care, but how would we know good if there was not evil? To know true happiness, one must understand pain and sadness first, right?

However, the class isn't suppose to change what you think, it's only to change the way you think about it, and to acknowledge other possibilities.

There are three people in this world.

If you stood all of them to a painting.

One would say, "Yes this a painting" and move on.

The second would ask "Why did they paint this painting?" And once they received and answer they would move on.

But the third person will continue with a list of questions that will never stop. "Why paint this? Why use these colors? Why did you feel that way?" These questions will continue on until it is not about the painting, and they will all lead back to "Who am I?"

After class finished, I saw my old friend Kayleena, and we stopped and talked about stuff for a little bit. I always have this nagging fear that everyone I talk to thinks "Why is this thing talking to me?" but it's just a simple paranoia I should get over. Anyway, we talked about how things were going and theater, but without our best actors, stage manager, and set designer, things seem to be going a little awry. And Ms. Munoz is being herself as always. I have a history with her, and something definite to say, but I will save that for later.

For "Lunch" (or my 2 hour 30 minute break) I didn't feel like getting anything to eat. I greatly regret that decision, because now I'm starving. I'll just get a granola bar or something. Anyway, I spent most of the time, messing around with Photoshop on my blog post. It was really fun, and time went by a lot faster. Too fast perhaps. In my math class, we didn't really do anything. Every class is the same thing. "Take notes, take a quiz, work together, go home!" It's nice. It reminds me of High School Algebra. Funny, because that class seems so easy, but I'm not going to complain, if I only have to take that class, and nothing like that horror known as Trigonometry, I'm happy. I think me and this lady were having a female dog moment. I thought I was right on an answer, and she thought she was right, and she was showing me how she did it, and I refused to change my answer, and we kind of just had a moment of awkwardness after class. But it's alright, I won't hold a grudge, besides, we find out who's right tomorrow.

After school is where it got interesting. I never like waiting for my mother to pick me up. I end up waiting from 30 mins. to an hour for her sometimes, and because I can't drive myself, I have no choice, but to wait for her. I called her a few time to let her know I was done, but when she didn't answer after the third time, I got a little irritated. I called my dad, and he said she had already left 15 minutes ago and should be there soon. I saw what looked like my grandmother's car and thought that was her, but after a while of waiting for her to do something, a pregnant woman popped out, and that was the end of that. Just as I was about to go back inside, my mother showed up. She didn't take too long. As I placed my backpack inside the car she started telling me about how she had gotten angry with me this morning, but started missing me this afternoon when I wasn't there. I felt loved, and then when I closed the door to get to the other side, she started driving off. I thought she was pulling the prank my father used to do to her, where he kept stopping and starting the car when she tried to get in. But instead of stopping, she kept going. In my mind I thought she was doing my father's joke to an extent, so I started after her, but she kept going. I thought to myself, "There's no way she is that dense to forget me.... She not that dumb... She's just- SHE'S ACTUALLY LEAVING?!" And just like that the car started turning the corner! I was in shock! She was actually leaving me! I wanted to bawl! Surely she wasn't that dumb! Was it something I said?! Was she in such a bad mood that all I had to do was say, "Oh, really?" and she got mad and left!? I started having flashbacks of a reoccurring nightmare I had as a baby of me doing something to scare her and her hopping in another vehicle and driving away. I was going to fall to the floor and cry. And she wasn't going to answer her phone either. Thank GOD she turned around. But I was still stung. She said she actually thought I was in the car but when I "didn't answer her" she knew something was up. We laughed about it after the trauma was done. She thought I had passed out from hunger and with that thought in mind she bought me some Popcorn chicken from Sonic. We haven't been there in a while, so I was happy. Just remind me in the future, if I ever have kids, don't let me let my mom watch them.

9/8/2014 (Part 1)

I am truly sorry for not posting everyday like I should. It's just that I like to wait till the last minute of each day to write, and that last minute can push to 2 in the morning, but by that time, I just can't keep my eyes open and want to go to bed. Today I promise in the 2nd part of this blog entry I will post like two hours before I go to bed, or like at 9 or 10. My day is usually done by then.

The reason this blog is divided into parts is because I want this one to talk about yesterday and the next one to talk about today.

Yesterday was a nice day. It was cloudy all day and I love when that happens. It feels like time stops for the entire day, it isn't until 5:30-6:30 that time starts moving again. My family actually made breakfast for all of us yesterday, and it was delicious. Scrambled eggs, pancakes, and bacon. My dad makes really good pancakes, so I always look forward to them. However as the day progressed, my allergies started acting up super badly. My eyes were burning so bad, they felt like my eyelash had curled into them. I laid down for the rest of the morning until my allergy medicine kicked in, and the pain was bearable, but I started feeling sick, so all I wanted to do was lie down. My parents thankfully let me. We even got a rest from my sister and her kids tormenting us. At least for a little while. She came over later and I locked myself in my room. Me and my parents wouldn't mind her coming over, but she has a really bad attitude toward everything! If it's not her kids screaming and acting up, it's her screaming at them. She's 30 years old and she acts like a teenager! But I suppose that's what happens when you have kids at 16 and miss out on your actual freedom! But it's funny because the same thing happened to my mom, but she acts like a mature adult! She doesn't put us down, she doesn't act like she loves one kid over the other, and she treats us all with respect! When it comes to Melanie, my sister, she's basically being a teenager yelling at another teenager when it comes to her sons. They don't listen to her, they are rude and irresponsible, and act like 6-year-olds. So then Melanie takes it out on us, and it's terrible. My mother says she's like an ant, persistently biting people. My father calls her a fire ant, and I call her a bullet ant.

However, yesterday was a calmer day. She spent most of her time with my dad applying for a job, and her kids actually played nice outside with my brother outside for a bit. Then my mother showed up later with lunch (or was it dinner?... It was both.), and her and the kids left. They did come back later, but they brought their laptops, so they were uber calm.

I started feeling better later in the day, and all I did was rest and draw things for my Tumblr blog. I've yet to post anything on there but I will soon. Hopefully people will like it.

My mother spent most of her time just looking at stuff on her computer and sorting through paperwork here at the house. Her computer is really buggy, so we're going to have to find a way to fix that.

My dad just watched T.V. and my brother played the Sims 3. He had been wanting to play it for a while, so I let him finally (I figured if he didn't do anything romantic with anyone, he wouldn't see anything too bad.)

Sorry!

I'm really sorry for not writing anything here for like the past week! It's just, nothing was going on this Labor Day Weekend... I just stayed home most of the time and drew stuff. My dad was bothering me about scholarships and my mom was complaining about everything she does like~ My little brother just stayed in his room, and my sister brought her two sons over to play with us. I don't remember much of it~ Life seems to blur. I didn't think I should write a blog everyday, but now I'm thinking I should to help me remember things. Not remembering what I did this week is kinda scary... Yesterday I missed my first day of college, and it threw me off since I didn't have to go to college on Labor Day. I had such a hard time remembering tomorrow is Friday.

Anyways, today, I got up early, and felt really tired. Last night was a long night, and tonight's gonna be worse because there's a thunderstorm. Every time one comes around I think the world's ending. But I have to keep telling myself it's not.

Today in my 3D Animation class, we made a wall, which was cool, because now for my future 3D animations, I can basically make backdrops that still look somewhat 3D. I noticed today, that unlike Tuesday, I didn't get a headache. It seems every Tuesday, after class, I get a migraine that only goes away when I lie down. It's the weirdest thing ever, but there's not much I can do about it know. My allergies have gotten really bad as well, I wake up and my entire face itches; my eyes, my nose, my throat, it's horrible! And no medication seems to help! Maybe it does, but I'm not seeing the effects what-so-ever.

Today mean and my mom had a "Sample Day" for lunch. Basically that means we had a little bit of everything. We went to the food court at the mall and shared a corndog, some Chinese, and just a little bit of Chick-fil-a~ We brought some nuggets from there home to my brother, but he threw a fit and didn't want them because we didn't get him ketchup from there :I Oye~ It mad me so angry at how ungrateful and stubborn he is~ We gave the nuggets to my nephew, Josh, and at least he was happy with them.

Today, I also got texted by my best friend, Alanna Cover. Instead of feeling happy to hear from her, I felt strange. I remember back in Middle School she used to treat me like her little baby sister, and I was ok with it back then because back then... I felt like a baby. I was innocent I hadn't the dirtiest thought anywhere in my head. She was my sister, she meant everything to me. And when she left, I was being dragged to the edge of a black abyss. When I got to High School, I fell in... Everything became so dark and heartbreaking. I wanted to cry all the time, I wanted to give up on everything I became a part of: Marching Band, my classes, my dreams. I was drowning in the darkness I had fallen into. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a bright, fluffy, colorful cloud found me. At first, it had terrified me. I avoided it completely. But then I looked closer at it, looked deeper into it. It made me happy. It became my nightlight, but the darkness still loomed. The cloud then showed me something else: I loved it. I began to draw it, everything about it, everything that it had to offer, with my own style of course, and suddenly, it flew me out of and away from the darkness. I became happy, cheerful, to the point where I never thought I could ever feel sad again! It changed who I was, so when Alanna came back around, I was frightened at what she might think of the cloud. I feared what she thought the cloud had to offer didn't fit the Brittany she knew, I feared she wouldn't like the person I became. So I created a mask to hide behind, and she didn't suspect the thing. I said I was still the same, and some one ELSE loved the cloud. Little did I know I would permanently become that some one else, and the mask would become Brittany. Soon the mask wasn't just for her, it was for everyone else. Friends, Family, faculty, all saw "Brittany" but they didn't see me. There was only one person, I didn't have to wear the mask in front of. She accepted everything I was, everything I loved. But she moved on without me. But instead of feeling lonely with my little cloud, it offered more friends. Sure, online friends, but they loved everything I did, everything I drew, everything I said. I love them. I came across only a few people that didn't like my cloud, but I didn't care. They were nothing compared to my friends. Standing up for them changed me even more. Soon, I come to realize, I had matured. I looked at everything. My innocence, unfortunately, was gone. Having been stolen by a portion of my cloud. But I wasn't hurting anyone. Soon I announced to my friends that I wasn't who they thought I was, and told them who I really was, and they accepted it. I thought I was finally free, I could finally truly reveal my entirety, but then Alanna came around again. I panicked, covered up my footprints and hid. Instead of feeling happy she FINALLY contacted me after all these years. I felt conflicted. I had transformed into something FAR from "Brittany", to the point where when I found the mask I used for her, I felt like I couldn't put it on. Running seems like the only answer. I figured, maybe we're finally on the same mental level, but after catching up on her life, we're nowhere near equal. SHE's grown up, mature. I'm in a world where age no longer matters, so distant from the real world... How could she ever accept me?

• I've been feeling troubled. I feel like my stirrings where wrong. I'm going to have to wait again. The Canadian isn't for me. Even if he's not the Canadian, it still means I'm going to have to wait. I't not up to me, it never was.